Weak Enough
by the gnome
Summary: The final denial! A takori... to go with my other two angst monologues. shounen-ai warning.


Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, or anything of worth, so your suing efforts would be useless, ha! Useless I say! No seriously, I'm not out to make any money, just have fun. (and surely that's not against the law is it?)  
  
Warning: Shounen-ai. That is Male/Male romances. For the sanity of everyone involved, please don't bother to read something which will just disgust you if you don't like that sort of thing.   
  
  
***  
  
Weak Enough  
  
***  
  
I wish it were easy to forget sometimes, watching the beauty of fleeting rays of light, like phantom butterflies, what caused them to be. Pain, heartbreak, sorrow, the mistake of a lifetime. The mistake that cost a man his life.  
  
They look so free, untouched by it. And why do I care? That a man who loved my father had never realized their dream together, that he turned to evil, that he was lonely. But I can't help it, everytime I see them, protecting the digital world, I remember. Even when the majesty of this world, of the joy of life nearly overwhelms me, I still can't forget.  
  
Is there such a thing as a pain dear to the heart? It hurts... a great deal. His pain, but it reminds me, of myself. That which despite myself, I welcome. Wherever fly those shining butterflies, into the blue sky, I'm haunted by eyes of that selfsame shade, into the golden brilliance of the sun, there is the hint of flowing flaxen colored hair, beholden its fierce strong corona. Oikawa-san and myself, I laugh bitterly, are we not the same? We both wanted the impossible, both, could not, can not let go.  
  
Does making the same mistake make me weak? When I was young, I wanted strength, more than anything. Strength to do what was right, and punish the wrong, like those who had taken away my father. A pity it was only later that I found that maybe the greatest strength comes from compassion. I was confused, so... lost.  
  
When I met him, it was an epiphany. He was my missing peice. A boy like the sun. So bright with happiness and goodness, yet he burned to keep the darkness at bay. He was that ease and mercy combined with an unbending conviction to do right. Maybe I'm still confused. How can the two be together? I don't know.  
  
I thought I could never understand him, but the time came, I was ecstatic, the time when the strength of our hearts became one. The fusion. I was happy. No longer did he only represent all that was strong and just to me. Personally, internally, from him I could draw power, strength, happiness, everything I ever wanted. Him.  
  
Sometimes I just want to laugh, laugh, laugh, but I never do, no, not I, serious as an overcast day. What good is laughter in the face of irony? No salve, not even acceptance can ever close this wound. How was I supposed to know, so young, as I fell in love with him, that it wasn't I who would never understand. He, perfect, brilliant, kind, golden, he didn't understand, not the way I felt about him, not the fact that he could be loved at all. He lives alone now. And its not that he's too afraid to be left to let anyone in.  
  
It makes me want to cry. He is strong enough it seems, to continue on his own. And once I envied him that. So why now do I wish him weak? I want him to need me, the way I do him. But, it will never be. No matter how hard I've tried, I could never be strong enough for him. I should do what is right. Everything he showed me, dilligence, optimism, empathy, passion, laughter, everything, I've lost with him, except for this. Conviction is the only strength to me that remains, and I in my own rigid way, must retain what I, and once a long time before, we both together, stand for.  
  
Even if it feels like a mistake.  
  
I have a daughter, he a son, and he does not need me, never did. Foolish, painful and cutting, emotions aside, what is right? Why must we stand alone? It seems logical to me. There is a time and a place for comfort, sentimentality, maybe even love, but sometimes, he said, you have to fight. That darkeyed strength would come over him, glinting in diamond invicibility, and his surety, it always drew me. Irrevocably.  
  
In an illusion I saw another dream that could never come true. My father in the digital world. I know the pain that comes from wishing what can never be, I'm sure so does my 'mentor' Oikawa-san. The butterflies are still flying by. Is he trying to tell me something I wonder? My father is never coming back.   
  
My dream of him vanished just so as well. There is no point in watching him, loving him, when it will all come to nothing. Its almost funny to sit here surrounded by a blizzard of wings of a man caught in a fruitless, endless dream, when we are the same. Even if I can see no meaning to the way I live my life, I go on to tommorrow, just so I can be near him, so despite myself, I can hope that it isn't impossible  
  
But he once told me when I was a boy, that anything you believed in was worth fighting for. God how I believed in him. But it means nothing. If I believed he loved me, I would fight. But I do not, and without that, I haven't the strength. He can not love someone like me, who is weak enough to want him brought to heel beside me. A man wishing for an angel with clipped wings. But still, I keep hope in my heart. The pain is too dear to leave.  
  
***  
  
A/N: grr, it was going pretty well too, til it got nonsensical toward the end, sigh oh well, iori angst is surprisingly fun. yay! this is the final denial! i still refuse to believe in the ending they made up for 02. but anyway, i like takori, and its sort of on the more unusual side of pairings. however, to a rabid kensuke and hiyako fan, its abundantly obvious, and quite cute... i know, i'm odd. oh, and the oikawa stuff? am i the only one who sees the whole oikawa/hida hiroki thing as what would've happened if kensuke (or takori for that matter) went horribly horribly wrong? and didn't grandpa's dialogue with him in the dub seem remarkably like a belated acceptance of their 'relationship'? come on... sigh okay, maybe i am weirder than the average bear 


End file.
